Archive for November, 2012

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Christmas you say? Ah yes, Christmas. The Holiday of Beards. Never heard that before? Probably not, I just invented it. Beards are as much a part of Christmas as presents and eggnog. Beards are actually more important to Christmas than lights or jingle bells. Think of the two most famous faces associated with the Christmas holiday, Jesus and Santa Clause. Both with grand beards.
The wisemen? Bearded. They were “wise men” without their beards, but once they attained complete beard coverage, they became “wisemen”. Y’all see the difference? So you see, beards are as important to Christmas as elves and that crazy drunk uncle.
I provided a guide to Black Friday shopping here Black Friday- how to shop. This time, a guide to Christmas shopping. This guide is not for everyone, and is not meant to be followed exact. Take what tips you need and mold these suggestions into your own perfect shopping experience. This is catered to a beard and his shopping needs. But women can surely benefit from some of the tips as well.

First, if you can not pay your bills, buy gas for your car, live in a box or can’t afford Old Milwaukee, stop reading now! Get a job or a better job, sell some of your shit and prepare for next years Christmas.

Guys, shopping can be this simple. It’s called the INTERNET! Within this INTERNET are some awesome places to shop. Amazon, Bed Bath and Beyond, Victoria’s Secret, are a few examples, and stores that will make your wives/girlfriends happy, happy, happy. (Had to use some Phil from Duck Dynasty) The pros of virtual shopping are numerous. It’s a man’s tailored shopping experience. You don’t have to leave the house, you can drink beer and shop, watch TV, throw darts, grill, braid your daughters hair, and clean your guns; while still executing your Christmas lists destruction. I recommend virtual shopping for most men. But when the Internet fails, you must venture out into that cold, brutal, unforgiving, mystical place called THE MALL! (Dundunduuuuuuunnnnnn!)
I am using THE MALL (dundunduuuunnnn), because it is the centerpiece for most of Christmas shopping.

The night before. Hydrate and fuel up. Drink water, eat carbs and get some sleep. The mind and body need to be fresh, alert and ready to roll. Give yourself a good extra 15-30 minutes to get dressed, eat and get on the road.

The morning of. Coffee, gotta get coffee. If you don’t like coffee, I recommend an ice cold Pepsi Cola. Make sure to “warm up” your vehicle prior to leaving. I prefer not to eat a large breakfast before leaving. Make sure you have your wallet, in that wallet need to be methods of payment, cash and gift cards. Most importantly before you leave, have your lists and be damn sure you have the correct sizes of clothes and/or shoes you will be purchasing for your wife.

At THE MALL (dundunduuuunnnn). Hopefully you arrived early enough to get a parking spot close to the entrance. If not, drive around until you find one no more than five spots away from the entrance. This could take some time, but remain calm and diligent. Once parked, mentally note where you left your car, in case it is dark or you get turned around when exiting THE MALL. I recommend parking close to the food court, that is where you will begin your adventure. If possible, attempt to make your rounds so that you are near the food court during lunch. Re-energize before continuing the second half of your day. Remember, you need to be efficient during this trip. You do not want to make this trek again. Do not get drawn away from your mission by Santa Clause, the arcade, Bass Pro Shops, the wallet store, large pretzels, or the toy stores. Always keep your bags in your hands, never set them down. This is a tip I learned from women. You wanna get your shit stole Christmas shopping, set it down. Be gone in the blink of an eye. As your journey comes to an end, double checker lists. Make sure you have not forgotten anything. Once you are positive you have whomped your Christmas shopping list, get the hell outta there. Quickly, walk with a purpose to your vehicle.
Leaving THE MALL (dundunduuuunnnn). This is the most dangerous time in your shopping journey. You are vulnerable and have all the bounty of your hunt. Before exiting THE MALL, get
keys out and have them in hand. As you are walking towards your truck, scan the parking lot for any criminal types who might want to relieve you of your hard earned bounty. Quickly and neatly load your truck, crank it up and get ready to head home.

At this point, you have conquered Christmas shopping. Shopping might not make you feel like a man, but the feeling of accomplishment and being a conqueror, that is man talk there.
Once you return home, find a good hiding spot for your gifts. Be mindful of snooping wives, who can’t wait until Christmas to see what you got them. So be oober careful finding that precut hiding spot.

This may or may not help some beards out there. But if I can help one, I’m happy. Y’all pass this along to your friends. Also, if you have anything to add, do it!

Christmas shopping beard.

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Embrace the Beard

Paul

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So, you want to grow yourself a beard. Not just any beard, but a “man beard”. Not everyone can achieve this type of beard. Not because they don’t want to, but factors that are detrimental to their livelihood. Professions that require a “professional” appearance are a good example.

Growing facial hair is a right of passage for men. Think back to your high school days. That first thin, light colored mustache started appearing. For a boy hitting puberty, that is a milestone he will never forget. His sideburns actually growing past his ears, with actual real hair that has to be cut and shaped. Don’t forget about the freak of nature guy who was 16 and had that full beard already, he was looked upon with the utmost awe.

Just take that leap and begin to stop shaving. Just don’t shave. Stop shaving. Pin up a picture of a beard that inspires you, become that beard. Let that glorious man hair grow and live and be free. Be a man and live through that two weeks of itchiness, you will be rewarded. Treat your beard just like your head hair,wash with soap and conditioner.

If you feel discouraged, here’s a website to get you back in the beard growing spirit. The Beard Coach

Be inspired to get inspired with inspiration. Grow your beard, be beard proud!
INSPIRATION

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Embrace the Beard.

Paul
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Thanksgiving leftovers are one of the greatest culinary secrets in America. I have been a part of Thanksgiving leftovers for 30 years now. A few I can’t remember, but I was there. As my beard grew from a youngin to its now dominant head of household, my appreciation for leftovers has exploded into a love affair. I hate to think of the plethora of leftovers that are discarded and wasted in America. With a little imagination and a big smile, you can take those leftovers to another dimension. That thanksgiving turkey will become an all new exciting meal. That dressing will have new meaning to it, a delight full of delightfulness.

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Turkey, the iconic Thanksgiving figure that is massacred by the millions for consumption. You can fry it, smoke it, bake it and probably a few other ways I am unaware of. It doesn’t matter how the turkey is initially prepared, the endless options available for re-cooking are endless.
The best way to eat turkey is on a sandwich with tomato, Duke’s mayo and sharp cheddar.
Turkey salad.
Pan-Refried turkey and eggs.
Chopped turkey and queso salsa.

Next up HAM! Good ole honey baked ham. Pork is where ham comes from and pork comes from pig. I love pig and all the foods that can be made from pig. The greatest food animal ever!
Pan fried ham. Can be eaten with eggs, put on sandwiches.
Caramelized brown sugar coated ham fried in butter. A delicious delicacy.
Cold ham on sandwich bread with just Duke’s mayo.
Ham in butter beans, field peas, cow peas, practically any bean when cooking.
Load up the ham and/or bone for split pea soup. Makes a miraculous miracle soup.

Dressing/stuffing. Everyone’s mom or grandma makes the best they have ever had. And that is probably true. When you have grown up eating a particular meal or food the same way all your life, you acquire a certain taste. Scientifically speaking, yo momma’s cooking is better than everyone else’s momma’s cooking.
Cut into squares or circles, dip in egg and flour and fry. Just like you would grits. Here is a how to on frying grits. fry me a grits

The beans and taters. These are simple. My favorite way to eat these is the beans mixed in with the potatoes. Stir it all about and eat. I don’t know why, but I look forward to this left over meal more than anything else. There’s something a about mixing delicious butter beans, corn and mashed potatoes that melts my heart.

I hope these simple leftover meals will inspire you not to waste that food someone prepared on the day of giving thanks. Be creative and make your own recipe. If you have a leftover meal you love, let me know about it. Leftovers are one of my favorite foods.

Grow a beard, be a man.

Paul