The Beard’s Guide to Christmas Shopping

Posted: November 28, 2012 in Business, Family, Humor
Tags: , , , , , ,

PHBAN84ZHNNH
Christmas you say? Ah yes, Christmas. The Holiday of Beards. Never heard that before? Probably not, I just invented it. Beards are as much a part of Christmas as presents and eggnog. Beards are actually more important to Christmas than lights or jingle bells. Think of the two most famous faces associated with the Christmas holiday, Jesus and Santa Clause. Both with grand beards.
The wisemen? Bearded. They were “wise men” without their beards, but once they attained complete beard coverage, they became “wisemen”. Y’all see the difference? So you see, beards are as important to Christmas as elves and that crazy drunk uncle.
I provided a guide to Black Friday shopping here Black Friday- how to shop. This time, a guide to Christmas shopping. This guide is not for everyone, and is not meant to be followed exact. Take what tips you need and mold these suggestions into your own perfect shopping experience. This is catered to a beard and his shopping needs. But women can surely benefit from some of the tips as well.

First, if you can not pay your bills, buy gas for your car, live in a box or can’t afford Old Milwaukee, stop reading now! Get a job or a better job, sell some of your shit and prepare for next years Christmas.

Guys, shopping can be this simple. It’s called the INTERNET! Within this INTERNET are some awesome places to shop. Amazon, Bed Bath and Beyond, Victoria’s Secret, are a few examples, and stores that will make your wives/girlfriends happy, happy, happy. (Had to use some Phil from Duck Dynasty) The pros of virtual shopping are numerous. It’s a man’s tailored shopping experience. You don’t have to leave the house, you can drink beer and shop, watch TV, throw darts, grill, braid your daughters hair, and clean your guns; while still executing your Christmas lists destruction. I recommend virtual shopping for most men. But when the Internet fails, you must venture out into that cold, brutal, unforgiving, mystical place called THE MALL! (Dundunduuuuuuunnnnnn!)
I am using THE MALL (dundunduuuunnnn), because it is the centerpiece for most of Christmas shopping.

The night before. Hydrate and fuel up. Drink water, eat carbs and get some sleep. The mind and body need to be fresh, alert and ready to roll. Give yourself a good extra 15-30 minutes to get dressed, eat and get on the road.

The morning of. Coffee, gotta get coffee. If you don’t like coffee, I recommend an ice cold Pepsi Cola. Make sure to “warm up” your vehicle prior to leaving. I prefer not to eat a large breakfast before leaving. Make sure you have your wallet, in that wallet need to be methods of payment, cash and gift cards. Most importantly before you leave, have your lists and be damn sure you have the correct sizes of clothes and/or shoes you will be purchasing for your wife.

At THE MALL (dundunduuuunnnn). Hopefully you arrived early enough to get a parking spot close to the entrance. If not, drive around until you find one no more than five spots away from the entrance. This could take some time, but remain calm and diligent. Once parked, mentally note where you left your car, in case it is dark or you get turned around when exiting THE MALL. I recommend parking close to the food court, that is where you will begin your adventure. If possible, attempt to make your rounds so that you are near the food court during lunch. Re-energize before continuing the second half of your day. Remember, you need to be efficient during this trip. You do not want to make this trek again. Do not get drawn away from your mission by Santa Clause, the arcade, Bass Pro Shops, the wallet store, large pretzels, or the toy stores. Always keep your bags in your hands, never set them down. This is a tip I learned from women. You wanna get your shit stole Christmas shopping, set it down. Be gone in the blink of an eye. As your journey comes to an end, double checker lists. Make sure you have not forgotten anything. Once you are positive you have whomped your Christmas shopping list, get the hell outta there. Quickly, walk with a purpose to your vehicle.
Leaving THE MALL (dundunduuuunnnn). This is the most dangerous time in your shopping journey. You are vulnerable and have all the bounty of your hunt. Before exiting THE MALL, get
keys out and have them in hand. As you are walking towards your truck, scan the parking lot for any criminal types who might want to relieve you of your hard earned bounty. Quickly and neatly load your truck, crank it up and get ready to head home.

At this point, you have conquered Christmas shopping. Shopping might not make you feel like a man, but the feeling of accomplishment and being a conqueror, that is man talk there.
Once you return home, find a good hiding spot for your gifts. Be mindful of snooping wives, who can’t wait until Christmas to see what you got them. So be oober careful finding that precut hiding spot.

This may or may not help some beards out there. But if I can help one, I’m happy. Y’all pass this along to your friends. Also, if you have anything to add, do it!

Christmas shopping beard.

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Embrace the Beard

Paul

PHBAN84ZHNNH

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