Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

So I have had these two 55 gallon steel drums for two years.  For two years, they have set open side down, upon two old concrete pavers, so that Mother Nature’s elements would not fill them and expedite the greatest fear of all metals, rust.  My sole plan with these two glorious containers which used to carry oil, was to create and Ugly Drum Smoker, or UDS as it will be referred to from here on out. (more…)

Looka here ya’ll.  We are home.  We are at the house, we call home on the street we call our street.  Feet perched up with the windows open, screen door swinging too and fro in the cool, gentle spring breeze.  Baby Carter Oliver has arrived.  Little fella is so quiet, just like his daddy, who is me.

I want to thank everyone for the well wishes and congratulations!  They were all very much appreciated by the Beardess and myself.

Ya’ll have no idea how happy I am to have a free peeing little boy with a real life penis in the house!  All the excitement!  I do not care how many pee canons inadvertently go off during diaper changes.  I won’t pay no mind to that nonsense, cause it is awesome.  By it, I mean Baby Carter.  The little beardlet.

Soon, very soon, there will be all kinds of adventures that Carter and myself will be having.  Bird poop identification, dog poop identification, tomato identification, fish identification and ball identification.  Sports balls ya’ll, not boy balls.

First things first.  Getting acquainted with the Big Green Egg.  I thought about taking this photo with Carter lying, safely, on the BGE grate.  But I could see how that photo would be taken in the wrong way, because assholes…….  I sure would not want that picture on the front of CNN or FOX News, because ya’ll know as well as I do, they would lie to make it an issue about Obamacare or the Keystone Pipeline.  Cause they suck.  Any who.IMG_3459


Carter did not smile, he just got done eating.  Not quite the pose I wanted, but the sun was quite bright.  He was not having any of that.

Tomorrow, our first lesson, firing this bad boy up.  Can not cook meat properly on the grill or smoker without fire.  Just won’t work ya’ll, science.  Stay tuned, if you enjoy my blog.  There will be awesome awesomeness as soon as I teach the Beardlet how to be awesome.

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No SHave Never




The Beardlet is here y’all. He came out screaming and pissed at 12:19 PM, on May 1, 2014. May Day.
Speaking of May Day, why isn’t that a holiday?

Carter Oliver Roberts weighed in at 7lbs 6ozs. I’ve still caught bass bigger than both my churrins. So I win!
This first picture is shortly after he left the cozy, carefree world of the Beardess’ womb. He was not happy about this. Though. I had a friend say that “that’s the face everyone makes the first time they meet me”. Hahahahahahahahahaha.


Baby Gurr was super excited to meet Carter. But she was very worried about the Beardess. And apparently, when Carter’s eyes are closed, no one is allowed to touch him. All the grandparents were scolded at some point for picking him up or touching him.
I guess Baby Gurr will be secondary baby patrol.



He is a pooping machine. Oma, my momma, went to change a diaper, and the poop kept coming out, for about four minutes. That’s why you never volunteer to change another person’s child’s diaper y’all. Because the shit never is easy or simple. Literally.

I’m just going to post a bunch of pictures. Enjoy them.




When we get home, our first prerogative is to get acquainted with the Big Green Egg, the garden, the turkey decoys, Ole Stoney Dean the dog and the lawnmower. Should be fun!

I’ve gotten a lot of questions about his beard. It has not began its glorious beginning of growth yet. But the unibrow is strong y’all. And strong Unibrows are a sign of strong beards. Good luck baby Gurr, you and Carter gonna be in a beard off someday.

Not a lot of wittiness this morning y’all. Not much sleep last night. I’ll improve when we get back home and get settled. Promises!

No SHave Never