Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Welp, I cut it all off.  Almost all of it at least.  Most of it I would say.  The majority of it is in the trash can in the Great Clips hair cuttery in Aiken, SC.  Mixed in with some old people’s grey hair and those little neck pieces they put on your neck.  No longer will I be able to stroke it, or groom it, or brush it or twirl it.  It, is no more, for the most part.  For the little part it is still there, but not in all its glory that it was before.

It is not my beard though.  Hell no!  No SHave Never ya’ll! It is my beautiful, brown flowing locks of glorious hair.  IT, has been cut.  The Battle of Beard V Beardess was won decisively.  But the Battle of the Hair V Beardess was ended in a tie, with probably a small loss to me, considering I can not wear a bun anymore.

I went to Great Clips, with Baby Gurr.  I kind of thought my hair stylist would snip a little here and there, taking her time, basking in the glory which was my thick, luscious, long curly hair.  But nope! She brushed that shit out, grabbed all she could and in one and one half snips of the scissors, it fell to the floor.  Slow motion in real life does not exist, they say, whomever they are.  Well, it did today ya’ll.  As I watched the locks of lusciousness flutter down upon the ground, like leaves falling out of a century old oak tree fall during a brisk fall wind, I saw my days of hiding my neck hair disappear.  I will now have to be diligent with keeping my Teen Wolf cut.

The stylist, did not blink an eye as she lopped off lock after lock.  At times, even smiling and joking, she tried to act as if she did not enjoy the dream killing she was producing.  No sympathy what-so-ever.

I did make sure to make it known, so that she would know, I would not be paying her if a single beard hair was harmed.

Baby Boy (Beardlet) is due on April 28.  We do not have a name yet.  The Beardess is not happy about it either.  Picking names for a child is hard.  Really difficult to be exact.  I like the name Levi Garrett.  That got shot down after a quick Google search by the Beardess.  Sebastian, a name I have been trying to name anything that needed naming since forever, nixed!  Denim Plaid, nope. Arn, negative.  I was given an ultimatum, that tonight we will have a name.  So now instead of working on improving my Fantasy Football squads, I have to go narrow down a list of names.  If ya’ll have never had to name a child, the list of names are endless.  In the spirit of being a Peace, War, and Defense Major, from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, I will go pull out my war books and get some great warrior names.  Hercules, Alexander, Darius (duh-rye-us), Apollo Creed, and one of my favorites Colonel Sanders.

Forties you say? Well, they are delicious.  But they are hard to find around here.  I guess the college students at USC-Aiken do not partake of their glory enough to warrant a gas station selling them.  Damn shame too.  But it is NFL combine time and forties are important for that.

Well.  I am done.  I am going to be diligently diligent at trying to post once a week at least on here.  But we will see how that goes.  I have fans to hang, light switches and plugs to change, cars to wash, a garden to plant, and work.  Once this little baby boy gets here though, I will be free of many of those things for three weeks.  Poopy diapers ya’ll.  They are coming back.

No SHave Never!



The Christmas season has set upon us like the German bombs during the Battle of the Bulge. Some of us are hunkering down for the fight, some of us are running for our lives, some of us are basking in the glory of the ensuing battle.

Beards, we are just chillin, brushing our beards.
My swamper, Bernard and me did a Vine, singing a song. It’s six seconds, so it is just a tease of our angelic voices.

I love prunes, they are delicious.
So, the little baby boy that I made with the Beardess is exciting. I have been throwing around a couple names. Denim Plaid Roberts, DPR initials, which are mine. Sebastian (middle name TBD) Roberts, call him Sebass. The Beardess is not very excited about either of them. I am working on a way to get one of these passed. I have a creative mind, so I will probably think of a few more.

Purchased my first beard oil last week. It is damn glorious. It makes this wool pad beard hair of mine, somewhat brushable. It no longer sounds like a ripping croaker sack. I am pretty sure some of yall are gonna go Google croaker sack. Got me a couple new hair brushing utensils.


Grooming is very important for a beard. I might brush my hair once a week, I do not care about my hair. Though, it is quite luscious and beautiful.

I am going to go drink me a Wild Turkey.
Baby Gurr has been a hoot. She wants me to make my beard white, like Santa Claus. Apparently its not easy as just dying it white. It is 2013, and we still have to dye hair in stages? That is ridiculous.

I am pretty excited still. I was named the Smithfield’s Chicken ‘n Bar-B-Q’s FAN OF THE WEEK! I am super proud of that. those people sent me two coffee cups for free. They are great to their customers! You can see this on their Facebook page, at the top.

Follow them on twitter too @scnbnc

Well friends, it has been fun. Ya’ll spread the word around.

Follow me on twitter @paulheels. I tweet a lot and about a lot of everythings.

No SHave Never

Beards and Time Lost to Losing Time

Posted: December 6, 2013 in Humor

Well damn the time, I’ve been gone a while, again. It’s the idea of having ideas that eludes me, resulting in minimal ideas for Beard Blog ideology.

Hold on a second y’all, I gotta get one of my 25 ounce beers.

Ok I’m back.

Baby Gurr is now using the toilet for peepee and stinky. That’s pretty awesome.

Big news is, the Beardess is carrying a baby boy, that I made! Heyyyooo!

Never been so damn excited to see another males penis, than I was that day in the Vagina Doctor’s Office.

Thanksgiving was a hoot! Had the. Beardess’ side of the family over, and one of my good friends whom I work with. We had a great time and ate a lot.

Smoked a spiraled pig’s ass on the Big Green Egg and let me tell y’all what. Only damn way I’ll ever cook another one of those.

I’ve gone deer hunting twice so far this year.

Honestly y’all, one of the biggest, well the biggest, reason that my posts are so far and few between on here, is because, I love Twitter. Twitter has grasped me by the balls and drawn me into the pits of addiction.

If you have followed my blog for any reasonable amount of time, or you have been a great follower and read my past posts, then you will already know that I have somewhat of an atypical, awesome, quite wordy, improper grammatical style of writing. Lookie here y’all, this magic I make on here isn’t easy, shit takes creativity that would drive most people to the brink of shaving a beard. It is hard work, I do purer free, for y’all’s enjoyment.

Follow me on twitter @paulheels

My beard is really pretty today.

So I’ve been doing an advice, and real world shit, segment in the mornings on Twitter called #TheMorningWood. Y’all don’t know.

Evans Williams is a really good Whiskey. I don’t apologize, not never.

No shave November is over, so all y’all people who follow the masses and can’t think for your own, go on and shave off that beard and lose a small bit of your manhood. No SHave Never!

Well, time for me to go make some BBQ sauce. Y’all better get what your wives/girlfriends tell you too, so you can be happy in 2014.

No SHave Never