Family vacation time. That time of year where families choose to load the automobile down with luggage and snacks and toys and churrins and get their road flow on, treading asphalt in search of laughs and relaxation.

That is what we did. We headed to Asheville, NC. If you have never been to Asheville, you are missing out on something grandly beautiful, in a very pretty way.

We packed our gas-powered steed full of everything we would need for a great time camping out in the wilderness of the DoubleTree Inn, which the Beardess called a hotel room. I called it camping because that is as close as I was going to get to being able to sleep on the ground.

This trip did not produce any over-crazy events that would make this trip more eventful than previous trips in which we encountered such events. This expedition was quite fulfilling and fun.


As ya’ll can see, I can not take the Beardess anywhere, she holds her fork, when cutting animal flesh like a caveman. When I attempted to reverse her uncouthness, this is what followed.


Craziness ya’ll

We went to the Biltmore Estate and saw the Biltmore house and all the other things that Biltmore has to offer. If you have never been to the Biltmore before, you should definitely go, it is absolutely amazing.

I wanted to take some pictures, but they do not allow photography in the house, which is asinine to me. How are we supposed to catch apparitions in pictures if we can not take photos? I do not get it. Oh, for you conspiracy theorists out yonder, there is a place where they take you photo, so you can buy. They take everyones photo. E V E R Y O N E !

So here are a few pictures that I did take, which are not very interesting because everyone was clothed and there were no ghosts.



We made a ride onto the Blue Ridge Parkway. The leaves had not changed yet, but it did not matter because I would not have been able to enjoy it. Ifin you do not know why, here is a link to why fall leaves discriminate People with Colorblindness. Colorblindness Awareness Months

The view was not great, there were a lot of low hanging clouds. We drove up to Craggy Gardens and hiked to the bald, then hiked back. The Beardess and Baby Gurr did great. I was not pushed off the mountain.




We went to go eat some ice cream, after dinner. It was good ice cream. I was really happy and excited about finishing my ice cream cone. It was a sugar cone too. Well, as any of ya’ll who have churrins know; when you have churrins you have nothing. Baby Gurr wanted to taste my ice cream, so as any ice cream loving father would do I said, “ok”. I was not too happy about it though. Have any of ya’ll ever seen a 2.7 year old eat ice cream? They slobber all over it. I do not do slobber people.
I obliged and gave her a bite, but I promptly started taking bigger bites myself, because I saw the look in her face after that first bite. It was the look of “yummy, this is so much better than my ice cream that I am going to be eating all of The Beards ice cream and he doesn’t know it yet” look. Well, I saw that look and gave her a “lookie here ya little beardlet, this is my ice cream, I bought you pink ice cream and I do not eat pink ice cream and mine is in a sugar cone, you can’t have it.”
Then I saw her eyes light up even more and I saw that look “Oh, a sugar cone you say? Well I am about to take the rest of your ice cream sugar cone, yo”.

Well, in the end, after all these looks, this happened.


I lost my damn sugar cone to a person who can not even wipe their own ass.

The Beardess, got sickly this night. She had an involuntary reversal of consumption. All damn night. No fun ya’ll, not damn fun at all.

So the next morning Baby Gurr and myself ventured out to the great unknown of an indoor playground. It was fun, there were a lot of churrins there, slobbering and slinging snot on everything. We played for two and a half hours. Yay us.

I ran into a bearded celebrity up on the Blue Ridge Parkway. Paul Roof of The Holy City Beard and Moustache Society (HCBS), out of Charleston, SC. Check out his awesomeness on Facebook at The Holy City Beard and Moustache Society page. They will hold the 5th Annual Southeastern Beard and Moustache Championships May 24, 2014 in Charleston, SC


Well, this post is way too dam long already so let me finish this up real quick.

Isaac in Asheville, whoever you are, No SHave Never sir.


I got me an apple peeler, corer, slicer! hells yes.

Baby Gurr got to go apple picking and pumpkin huntin.

We made it home safely and tired.

No SHave Never!

It is fall ya’ll. The Beardess, Baby Gurr, and myself are about to depart the homestead for Asheville, NC. a little Fall vacation if you please.

Great things about fall; cool mornings, lower humidities, mild daytime temperatures, and apparently beautiful fall colored leaves on trees.

Well it must be nice, for those of you who are able to enjoy this apparent masterpiece nature paints every fall. I have not been privy to this work of art, because I, am a person suffering from Colorblindness.

As a young child, I could never see the beautiful leaves that all the other regular folk were ooing and ahing over. As I grew into my adult sized ears, I still could not grasp the excitement that people got over some damn leaves.

Then I found out the terrible news, one day, in Mrs. Earle’s Biology class. I suffered from a particularly severe case of irreversible colorblindness.

Everyone that day was supportive, and I got a bunch of hugs. But I did not have a beard yet then, because as a child you are taught to withhold the greatness of a beard, probably because once a beard is born, parents know they have lost all control.

Today I still suffer from Colorblindness. I have kept this a secret from most people, and most people from back in the day have forgotten about me having this most serious case of Colorblindness. Today, I share with the world, I am colorblind.

My results from the Ishihara Test for Colorblindness, indicate that I have a fairly sever case, in which I teeter on the edge of complete colorblindness and really really terrible colorblindness.

The Ishihara Test for Colorblindess That all You Heathens Need to Take

Ya’ll need to click that link and take that damn test. You need to know if you suffer from colorblindess. That shit can really mess you up at red lights.

I mean, I have to slow down at those stop lights, because sometimes I am not sure if it is red or orange. So I have to make sure. Cause that damn middle orange light looks a lot like that top red light.

Back to this damn vacation we are going on. I am going to enjoy the shit out of it. But because of this irreversible, genetically mutated, dumb ass eye part, that disallows me to see beautiful colors, I can not enjoy the damn leaves. And what damn good is it, going to the mountains on vacation and not being able to enjoy those stupid ass leaves?

Any who, ya’ll stay tuned for some fall vacation photos.

I gots to go get my concentrationism in order, because I love Jelly Beans.

Follow me on the Twitter for more wonderfullness like that last sentence I just wrote.


No SHave Never

Eventful events are usually comprised of awesomeness. Well, Breaking Bad ended. Which is not awesome, but it ended awesomely.

I know with all my heart that Walter White was faking dead. He escaped to Alaska and is working on a crab fishing boat. Hardcore sum bitch he is.

The best thing about the ending to Breaking Bad was that Walt and Jesse both had amazing beards. The power of beards are evidently evident with the 10 plus million viewers that were there to see the beards of greatness.

This ain’t worth shit right now though. I already wrote this post once and it was damn amazing. But WordPress decided to change their App and it is dumb, so I erased it, by accident. Bare with me.

On to more interesting things that might interest ya’ll. Walmart. The place that has its own breed of folk. The place which is the butt of a many joke. Walmart, where halloween is damn near everyday.

Walmart, the place Americans love to hate, hate to not go there to love the low prices and one-stop-shopping.

Momma was in town this past weekend. I had to work Saturday. Her and Baby Gurr went to run some errands. Instead of using sane common sense, momma decided to be efficient, and go to Walmart, for a one-stop-shop.

She was able to get into one of the two lines open. The lady in front of her had a buggy full of party supplies; juice, chips, snacks, etc. The cashier asked her what she was partying for. The lady, with no hesitation replied “a vibrator party”. Yep.

So do you bring your own? Do you share? Who provides the batteries? Do you eat first or vibrate first? Is this a boy-girl party?

All valid questions.

Today was an eventful day for Baby Gurr and me. We went to Tractor Supply and got some clothes and a cow bell. The Beardess was not to excited about the John Deere long shirts we bought, or the Joh Deere hat. But it will be ok. Baby Gurr got a cow bell for the Beardess. The Beardess is not sure what the is, so what a surprise it will be!
We love the Beardess.

How much fun are we going to have? A ton I tell ya.

Until next time Bearders, No SHave Never

follow me on Twitter- @paulheels