Posts Tagged ‘google’

Today I want to wish my wonderful beautiful wife a Happy 30th birthday! For most people, 30 is a milestone age. This is when you have hopefully entered the world of an adult. You have a job, some money, maybe a husband/wife and/or some churrins. This is also the age that people start calling you old, and they tell you your body will start to break down.

I can not disagree or agree with any of that, because I wouldn’t know, I have a beard. We be diffint.

When my wife’s birthday rolls around, she starts letting me know what she wants a few weeks in advance. By the middle of the second week before the week of her birthday, she reminds me that her birthday is a week long event, not just a day. This is fine by me, I enjoy the joy my wife has when she is enjoying the enjoyment that makes her joyfully happy. Keeping your wife happy is a necessity. In my world of being happy, I am happy when she is happy.

My wife, Sara, never wants an extravagant celebration. Neither does she ever request extravagant gifts. One of the reasons I love her, is because she is not materialistic. But, that makes my job as a gift buyer somewhat difficult. But the great thing about my wife, she will make sure to make room and use the gifts I get her.

For her birthday celebration we are having on Saturday, she requested a cheese fry bar. Imagine your favorite restaurant’s cheese fries. Now imagine that being in buffet style. I’m cooking.


No Shave Never


Today, the morning of this day, I woke up quite early, without reason, I started cooking grits and sausage. Tends to happen when you are in bed by 830. About 0400, with the cat staring me in the face, I decided to awaken from a slumber induced by great physical labor associated with the production aspect of my awesome job.

When country folk get up early, I mean super early, before the birds start chirping, I can almost in most instances certainly guarantee that maybe those people will be wanting, cooking and eating breakfast. If you know any country folks, you damn well know what I am talking about. If not, come give me a holler I will show you or find a family to take you in for a few weeks. Because that’s something else country folk do, take people in.

As my eyes regained regular uncorrected blurry vision, my hope was that the discombobulated mess of numbers I saw on my watch was going to be in the 5-530 range. But it wasn’t. In an attempt to re-sleep, I left my glasses off and hoped to drift back away into a dream that I can not remember.

You see, there are always incidents that turn the most well prepared plans awry, having to pee while sleeping can make for the utmost of early mornings. Upon being allowed the knowledge of not being able to think about anything besides going potty, because my body had a superfluous amount of water, I awoke out of bed in a thunderous uproar of slow haste. At work we have been doing quite a bit of walking. As an unfortunate result, I have acquired an utterly disgusting case of “turf toe”. The shit hurts, if you have no idea what I am talking about, do this. Be barefoot, walk up to a brick wall, kick brick wall four or five times with big toe without breaking big toe. That still will not be as bad as turf toe.

Enough about my downtrodden body of 31 years, I know you’re ready to hear bout some grits. Grits make the best of morning better and the worst of mornings not worser, er. The warm creamy bliss of ground corn cooked in water, salt, pepper, a little milk and seasonings. Add breakfast pork of the ground, patti sausage type and you create a meal that makes any other meal only seem like a lacklusterly prepared McDonalds meal.

As I sit here drinking my coffee which has been cooled by the unseasonably warm tropical weather that has swept through the South Carolina region, I know that my day can only get worse. Because of my inherent desire to cook grits and sausage, because of an early morning potty call and unattainable attempt to go back to bed, I have created a utopia.

As well, today, I get to go set more shit on fire outside in the woods.


No Shave Never

Paul Heyooo

Yesterday at work, we were sitting at the table eating lunch. Start thinking about the places you have been and some of the amazing bits of information that you learned. Dig deeper, and really look at how amazing the enlightenment was considering the situation in which maybe you were not looking to become enlightened, but it just happened because it was amazing. See, some of y’all might have just become enlightened as hell, or either confused as a cat in a room of vacuums.

You never know when something being said or done in everyday conversation might turn out to be the clarifier of life. Those questions you might have, or other people, like; what is the meaning of life, where is the end of the universe, how do I grow a beard?

That’s the thing about Bearders, we “see the light” because the beard allows us to tap into our inner being. We tend to be more laid back, let it come to me and do its thing. But we can also be spontaneous, wild and crazy.

Some people might now know how to grow a beard, they haven’t seen the light. You don’t necessarily have to “see” something, you could hear it too. As this co worker progressed into his story on how to grow a beard, he said he Googled it. What he saw on Google absolutely blew his mind. He couldn’t comprehend. The way to grow a beard, was to just quit shaving.

Yep, that’s all, just quit shaving. Stop, done, no more. Now he says he mis-spoke, and may have. But there’s a life lesson to be learned, Don’t think what you speak won’t be thought differently once you speak it.

But the main life lesson, quit shaving grow a damn beard, make a woman smile!



No Shave Never