Posts Tagged ‘Sasquatch’

Many times I am called Sasquatch or Bigfoot. I do not believe its because of my quite large muscular stature. But it is this perception of associating hairy figures with the mystical creature of the forest. I wait for the day I’m trouncing through the woods hunting in my ghillie suit and an unsuspecting birder photo’s my hairy ass.
If you have ever watched Finding Bigfoot, you will know this is quite possible. If you haven’t watched this show, do it, do it now! It’s a comedy, not a real comedy, but quite comical in the “don’t take it too serious” comedy way.
Our imaginations and lack of survival instincts tend to enlarge creatures of the woods. This is very evident after ten minutes of watching Finding Bigfoot. I’m approximately 6’1″ 225lbs. Let someone see me, not know I’m quasi-human, and see what happens. Instantaneous famousness will ensue in magnificent proportions relative to the famousness I incur now.
All you have to do is make your story so unbelievably ridiculous, that Bigfeet searchers will believe it’s too unbelievable to be a falsification.
Bigfoot Squatches like over fried organic egg whites. If you really want todo some real Squatch hunting, use that as bait

See, it could happen


No Shave Never!

It’s Monday night, a night of great despair for most people. But for me, tonight is the start of my damn weekend. Yeah, that’s right. Tonight is my Friday. Ain’t that some shit!

So I sit here, in my reclining love seat. Drinking a cold ass Natty Light and watching Finding Bigfoot on Animal Planet. And if you have never watched this show, you should. It’s stupid, but entertaining. The lead guy is named Matt Moneymaker. Sure nuff, the lead guy in the most popular Sasquatch hunting team, has a last name Moneymaker. Money…Maker…looking for Squatches, on tv. This guy Moneymaker graduated law school, there’s a reason he’s not practicing law. He’s a terrible investigator. Watch the show, you will see why he is not a lawyer. The other investigators have their quirks, but remain entertaining. And Ranae, thank god she is on this show, she’s the only skeptic. And really the only sane person in the whole group.

Now, I’m from the country, small town South Carolina. I know a lot of country folk that have grown up in the woods, fishing, hunting, camping etc. These crazy ass people running round the woods looking for a 8 foot hairy beast, at night. Yet most of their eyewitness accounts happened during the day. They have Squatche calls, that they do themselves. There a so many nuances with this show, I just can’t get into all of them. But I will touch on a few my favorites.

We have never found a Bigfoot because they bury their dead….. So we can’t find them. That’s the reason they give. Sure as shit stripes in a toilet bowl.

Bigfoots are more attracted to women than men. They throw rocks at tents to show its their territory. Power lines are bigfoot’s highways. Bigfoot’s are very secretive and don’t like a lot of commotion, yet they are always making noise and shit to “draw” the Squatches to them.

I’m not saying there are no Squatches, but I need some damn Bigfoot mounted evidence. And these people on this show have been hunting Bigfoot for years and they “know” there a Squatches, but don’t have any definitive evidence. No bodies, no videos or photos that are definitive. How the hell y’all been looking for this beast so long, yet only video evidence you have is from err body else.

Lookie here. Y’all don’t think some redneck who lives out in the woods and hunts year round, ain’t found a Sasquatch and shot that thing? Come on now. If they were real, I could see it now.
Redneck: “whut da hayell wuz that thar?”
Friend Redneck: “cot damn Ion’t know cuz, but imma gone be able to make big ole blanket wit dat skin.
Redneck: “you don’t know cuz, imma gone be able to get myself on the news and be famous”
Friend Redneck: “ight, well isa reckon we gon need to go on here and shoot that thang. Git the AK”

Cause anyone who knows country folk, knows rednecks seen err thang.

Watch the show for entertainment purposes. Don’t take it too serious or you won’t enjoy any of the show. Some of the babbling I did in this post will make more sense then.

Stay bearded my friends.